Mathematics

"There are 3 types of people in the world. People who can count, and people who can't!"

~ Pythagora on Mathematics

 

Mathematics is the hypothetical and blasphemous application of arbitrary rules to abstract constructs in an entirely ambiguous non-carbohydrase-based way. There are several strains of mathematics, each of which is potentially life threatening.

Most of the stuff you learn in Maths in school is pointless. I Mean come on when are you ever going to need to calculate the tangent of a triangle, factorise in your day to day life, use Inequalities, Irrational numbers, surds, Standard form, Simultaneous and quadratic equations. Apart from helping enormously with life this sort of maths taught in school is boring and useless if you want to do anything other than be a maths teacher.

Originally, MATHS was designed to be an acronymn of Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harfatum Septomin

 

Strains of Mathematics

Among the various strains of mathematics, the most dangerous are generally considered to be Alge-bra, Alger-bra, Analysis, Set theory, Calculus, Cellular Automata, Algore-isms, Complex numbers, Geometry, Topology, Trigonometry, Number sense, Ump Studies, Statistics (69% of which contain sexual innuendo), Physics (i.e., making sure the missile lands exactly near the terrorists), and Floating Point Arithmetic.

 

Discovery of Mathematics

Partial credit! An example of maths in action.

Mathematics came to earth upon a large space rock during the period of time when lizards ruled the earth. It is believed that the rock came from Mathamagic Land. As a result of the landing of the space rock, all the lizards died. Many years passed, and mathematics became a hidden element.

However, some people seem to believe that mathematics developed from counting, calculation, measurement, and other similar crap. It is hard to imagine something more non-sensical, but hey, nowadays, we have to give equal weights to all opinions, however silly they are, otherwise extremist peop le like the American Mathematical Sect may sue us, or, even worse, ring at our door to ask if we are interested in joining their ranks.

Fast forward to the 12th century (I've lost the remote)... Mathematics was rediscovered by Merlin, who was looking for a cure for having friends. His rediscovery was initially praised until people realized it caused the plague and killed them all.

Maths was forgotten after that incident, until it was re-discovered in 1903 by Albert Einstien. He wanted to split 6 chocolate biscuits between 2 friends evenly, but was unable to do it without maths. He then used this discovery to create his laws of relativity.

Some people believe that mathematics are hard. This makes them weep.

 

 

 

The Mathematical Works of Merlin

Merlin worked very hard on his rediscovered mathematics. In fact, he worked so hard that he later went mad, and some guy called Newton had to finish it off for him. Nobody cares about Newton, though. He discovered the basic sub-elements which make up mathematics. They are as follows:

=0 D

+	Plus	Take numbers, smash them together
-	Minus	Dig for gold or temporal flux
=	Double Minus	Dig twice for gold or temporal flux
+-	Plus Minus	This ingenious sign allows the user to either smash numbers together or dig for gold. Clever, eh?
/	Slash	Rock the numbers, the GNR way.
*	Star	Goto next level. This sub-element makes 42 and 16 possible.
X	Ex	Close the door, it's your Ex.
%	Comestible	This jackal corpse tastes terrible!
>	Down	Go down stairs
<	Up	Go up stairs
	Pi	Mmmm...pie is yummy. In America the latest version is named Beta House.
	Measure of 1337ness	Greater than .
log()	Log rhythm	What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's=2 0dog?
		It fits on your back, it's great for a snack-
		it's log! log! log!
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's better than bad, it's good!
		Everyone wants a log. Come on and get your log. You're gonna love your log
		It's log! log! log!
e	just an alphabet kiddo why uncyclopedia for it	e for alephant.
ln()	A natural log.
Duraflame	An unnatural log.
sin()	Sin	Call up the bad guy from Final Fantasy X.
cos()	'Cus	Just because...
tan()	Tan	Get some sun.
\frac{}{}		You've been using LaTeX far too much.
sinh()	Hyperbolic sine	What the sun does, causing you to tan
cosh	Hyperbolic cosine	Used for hitting people over the head
i	The square root of minus one	kinda like a legal alternative to dividing by zero
arg()	The argument of a complex number	Pronounced arg, the last words of Joseph of Arimithea
<3	Less than three	We <3 less 10 tr33
MOD	Modulo	The remains of dividing, AKA your brother mad at you for not sharing Pie.
ERROR	Syntax/Mathematical	1/0

0D

All of his findings were published in his greatest work, Spitzensparkin de Ninkumpoop, which was published in 1142.

 

Mathematics in Modern Times

Mathematics is fascinating. This graph shows pi multiplied by minus to create nitragoonium

In modern times, mathematics are used to prevent people from breeding, and to cure the common itch. The plague has been prevented in modern times due to the invention of mouldy bread.

But alas, the people weren't satisfied after they quit their itchin. Someone in the 18th century had to invent subfields of mathematics called calculus and trigonometry. As a result, the itching was replaced by burning and anal bleeding. Likewise, al Quaeda invented algebra, as a weapon to destroy the minds of the western world, (They succeeded) and named it for their leader, Gebra. Scientologists are still researching the effects of algebra today. Also remember that √onions = shallots.

In the early 70ties a significant discovery was made within the mathematics community. The dependence and interaction between mathematics and the environment. It was seen that mathematics was changing and adapting to environment. The discovery of "cafeteria mathematic", "late night disco logic", and "pre-school sugar-kick algebra" have since revlutionized the mathematics world, and energized a new generation of researchers. The break through was made by the elaborate proof of the l ong proposed "cafeteria bill division lemma" by Prof. Phd. Dr. Enzo Hammaromomogi. Professor Hammaromogis beautifull proof has released a whole range of interesting new research themes within environmental mathematics and logic.

 

 

What to do if you have been infected by mathematics

If you have been exposed to mathematics, and do not have mouldy bread... you are in deep trouble. Most likely, you will die without having any living children within an hour. If you have mouldy bread, you will be able to stave off the plague, and mate within an hour.

If you have been exposed to kory then you should kill yourself hyperbola, you must discontinue certain bodily functions right up your asymptote.

If you were exposed to calculus, you will be considered flaming and will need to be doused with wa ter or smothered using a fire blanket or stomped on by a giant elephant. Remember not to drink and derive.

If you were exposed to trigonometry, treatment will vary depending on the strain. Please refer to the trigonometry article for proper treatment.

There is no known cure for algebra, but you might try getting drunk. That usually helps numb the pain of my algebra infection.

If exposed to statistics then euthanasia is your best option, though this can be seen as a sympotom of statistics. Alternatively take str ong anti-depressants or try running in a logarithmic curve................................

 

 

Intellectual safety levels

To protect the general public from potentially hazardous ideas, The United States Center for Cleverness Control and Prevention has classified various disciplines in levels of intellectual hazard, Level 1 being the minimal risk and Level 5 being the maximal risk.

• Intellectual Hazard Level 1: The study of successor functions and inductive sets

• Intellectual Hazard Level 2: Studying the image Frac(Z), Exponentiation, Study of the rings R[X],

• Intellectual Hazard Level 3: Game theory, Stochastics, Calculus, Number theory, Ordinary Differential Equations, Combinatorics

• Intellectual Hazard Level 4: Studying functions of complex numbers, Defining what it means to be "near" something else, Logic, Algebra (such as symmetries of squares), Analysis of things which change sets of points, Calculus of things where the end result changes a lot

• Intellectual Hazard Level 5: Talking about sets, Drawing pictures on surfaces, Studying curves, Relating slopes with functions, Functions acting on donuts, Studying why functions can't be extended to bigger sets.

In the world there are only 17 mathematics institutes with sufficient precautions to deal with Intellectual Hazard Level 4 subjects without the risk of ideas leaking outside, with a possible contamination of the general public. None of them can really handle Hazard Level 5. If such a leak ever did occur, the damage to most modern civilizations would be immense; however, most cultures south of the equator would survive. In fact, a few would prosper, and so some of them have attempted to send infiltrators to those institutions in the hopes of unleashing the chaos. I mean it really makes sense.

 

 

Yours truly,

SoundaryaNayaki சௌந்தர்ய நாயகி