A teacher is a mutated thing whose occupation involves brainwashing, corrupting, and destroying otherwise possibly useful braincells. In recent years the profession has been growing in both notoriety and, surprisingly, number. This is largely credited to the growing sense of anti-teacherism.
More than likely, the individual you call your 'teacher' is simply a pathetic representative for whatever field they truly wanted to get into in the first place. For example, picture that you were an expert at mathematics. Would you be a teacher? Of course not. You'd be a mathematician, or, more likely, a highly-paid engineer. Those who major in mathematics and fail to make the cut because they lack the ability to do anything productive find they have no place to go but teaching. This is true across the board: your biology teacher failed to make it as a legitimate scientist, your literature teacher's poetry was too shitty to be published, and your social studies teacher couldn't find any place that was willing to pay for a columnist who was as much of a dumbass as he was. As a result, they all file in en masse to take out their personal failures on you. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as "the gift of a good education"
Fundamental Rights of A Teacher
1. To torture a student
2. To torture a student
3. Rape a student
4. To torture a student
5. To torture a student
(Use different sounds and expresions, of either artificial or natural pain and grief, while gaining the cliche knowledge of the above 5 rights in your mind)
6. To think that they are smart
7. The undying ability to cram useless knowledge into the mind, asploding all forms of hope
8. Did I mention to torture a student
9. To make you feel stupid
10. To make you suicidal.
11 To get paid less money then a hooker
The categories
Teachers fall into two main categories:
Those you like, and
Those you don't.
Incidentally, teachers themselves have their own main categories:
Good students, and
Bad students
Both categories appear to be related. A teacher in the category "those you like" typically has the student categorized in "good students", while a "bad student" will tend to have the teacher categorized in "those you don't".
Are they real?
There is little doubt, and a significant amount of archaeological evidence, that teachers are real. They seem to have their origins in the early Jurassic Era, where the smartest was always cast as the hamster exploding in the microwave. Over time, these smarter beings were ostracised and formed small, inbred communities, known (like the groups of fish they resembled) as a "school", into which they tried to entice fresh blood with the only thing they had: knowledge. Unfortunately, knowledge does not sell very well, and was not worth a lot outside these nether-world enclaves. As a result, teachers formed a sub-branch of humanity known to science as homo sapiens extravagantis. Like monkeys, teachers share approximately 98.8% of their DNA with us, although they are in fact an entirely distinct species.
WARNING: The Hottie might be a pornstar, or teacher in drag, who's always looking for sex. She might have 'AIDS', so leave her alone. BEWARE!
- A.) Gay people
- B.) People who aren't cool enough (poor bastards)
- C.) Those locked in lockers to prevent them getting let in on the fun.
- D.) People who feel uncomfortable about fucking one woman in front of 29 other naked boys.
- E.) Female students. At least, some of them.
The Lecher
This fat, ugly old man is second assistant-deputy-vice trainer for the football and rowing teams, which essentially means he fills up drink bottles and ogles while the hottest boys are in the school shower. Generally single and frequently still living with "family members," he may also live on campus and be in charge of making boarders' beds.
Strangely, this man never targets female students, perhaps fearing the lack of a penis. Indeed, this is the leading cause of avoidance of girls by gays of all ages.
The Pushover
The Pushover is living a fake life. She thinks she's the funniest/coolest/hottest person ever. She tends to have strange bodily deformations like a beer belly or a cameltoe. Children in her class have no respect for her. They insult her to her face, and talk about her behind her back. They yell out "Penis!" during the middle of class, but the Pushover pretends not to notice. Also, they tend to do the middle finger while striking badass, sexy, or just plain nasty poses.
The Pushover is usually a language teacher, and it is fun to make fun of her accent, asking her how to say "beach" over and over again. She is over enthusiastic, and would die if she heard what her students said behind her back. When it gets to be too much for the Pushover, she hands out detentions like there's no tomorrow.
However with the pushover teacher you have to be careful... they are highly unbalanced teachers who are on the verge of being emo. If too much abuse is thrown at them then the pushover teacher will run from the room crying.... yes crying... I've seen it happen..... They will then proceed to hide in the staff room and sit in a corner with a strong black coffee, rocking backwards and forwards. Nevertheless, after being dragged away in a white jacket you will then get a new teacher.... THE DEVIL!!! (you deserve it.. you made the emo teacher cry!)
Otherwise, they'll just shout at people and kick an innocent student out of the class.
The Over-Enthusiast
This teacher is, to say the least, enthusiastic. He is the kind of teacher who rings each student individually (on their mobiles) and reminds them to watch a documentary on DNA molecules that he forgot to remind them about in class earlier that day. His classes are often heard at the other end of the corridor as he shouts and yells: "Now pick up the hamster and place it in the microwave!!! Fascinating the way it flies, isn't it?!"
If you observe the female form of the Over-Enthusiast, you will notice that she is unable to shut her mouth. She doesn't breathe normally when she's talking; she talks until she's out of breath, then stops in the middle of a sentence and gasps for breath before going on. She cannot stand still in her classroom for one second, and will always be talking about other subjects. She often wears clothes that are too big for her (which is actually impossible considering she's already so fat) and if she wears orange you may think you are looking at a pumpkin. She will often give you a writing assignment the day after your exams, and make you read a book in the week before. She is also completely insane.
The Beard
Most bearded teachers hit puberty when they are 2 months of age. They usually start to grow their first beard when... ohh, fuck it, they've had a beard since they were born. The bearded teacher, quite possibly the most awesome teacher in the history of the world, can often be found in language classes or science labs; they know all there is to know about both growing beards and their aforementioned subjects. The bearded teacher has never had to pay bills, EVER! This species of teacher is often compared to the acclaimed Chuck T. Norris and Albus Dumbledore, as their beard powers are almost equal (although Chuck Norris's are still better).
There is another kind of bearded teacher, where the beard makes him look like a pornstar, therefore making you feel uncomfortable to be even near him. He tends to think he is hilarious when he isn't and has a wife that is WAY to young for him. Keep any interaction with this kind of teacher as low as possible.
The Senile
This teacher should have retired ten years ago. If she is a woman, she still dresses like Laura Ingalls Wilder. The "senile" will lose your homework, mix up the test grades, forget to mark you present, and call you by names like "George" and "Betty" that belong to no-one in the class. These are also the teachers that are probobly so old that they need to be on all kinds of medication to even be standing in front of the class. When they aren't teaching English (the coveted position of seniles everywhere), this teacher is often found wandering aimlessly about the school, wondering what so many children are doing running about. Seniles are always in charge of running detention, but often forget to write down the names of those who showed up. Nothing the "senile" forgets is their problem - it's always your fault. It's part of their tenure. Also the Senile is also a fat ass bitch who no one likes
The Pretender
This teacher is your best friend. He smiles at the class, makes funny jokes and pretends to be friendly. As soon as you turn your back, however, he is mind-bendingly evil, immediately changing his attitude towards the class and bitching to the other teachers about how bad you are. But don't despair - some day, this fact will be proven beyond doubt, and that, dear reader, will be his downfall. Till then, we can but hope.
As a sub-category, there also exists the Lazy Faker. These can be hard to distinguish from the above as their behaviour is so similar, except for the fact that they are, as the name suggests, incredibly lazy (and most of the time, fat) with a really huge belly and a liking for checking their emails during classes, or calling you to ask how to do this or that on a computer. Will often replace the lesson with a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with his or her subject. The pretender also pretends to have a big dick. So when the Pretending teacher is teaching family life be aware!
The Under-Enthusiast
This variety of teacher is usually on the road to retirement. They spend all their time talking about their third wife, how they went to Vietnam (because of their third wife), their children, the food in the cafeteria (just like it was in Vietnam), the decline of Western civilization (due to their children)... just about everything you couldn't give less of a shit about. If and when they bother to actually take the class, you will probably be asleep; if you ask a question, they'll likely point to the book. They really don't care at all what is said about them, because they have lost their faith in mankind.
The "You are Wrong"
Asking a simple question, he gets the class split into factions fighting one another tooth and nail over who is right. He gets you researching on the wrong paths and learning the wrong facts, only to smugly point out at the end of the class that the question had no answer. Sometimes sharing traits with the "Senile", this type of teacher will rant about how bad the book is and how all other teachers are stupid. Seeing that his way is the only way and that he knows best, he will overcomplicate the most simple tasks and will not accept anything but his answer, whatever it might be at that moment. Impossible assignments are common, so don't even bother taking the test - your best bet is to just suck up to him. And if you don't, please, wear a flame proof suit tomorrow to school. Don't ask questions. Just do it.
The Fell-Back
This teacher did not want to be a teacher, but had to "fall back" on the job when their other dreams fell flat. The Fell-Back will blame you for their own sorry life and make your own life a living hell. They are easily identifiable by their horns and pointy tails, as well as the bag of broken dreams they carry over their shoulder. Not all Fell-Backs carry pitchforks, although some do have the tendency to wear tight, bright red jumpsuits and call themselves the Prince (or Princess) of Darkness. Just ignore them.
The Personality
This teacher often has his or her own set of sayings that drive the class crazy, and likes to believe he or she is very unique and interesting. However amusing he or she may be, one thousand repetitions of "Everybody happy with that?" or "Now this could be the A star question on the paper" just get tiring. However, there are those smart-alecky kids who aspire to be this teacher, and you are STRONGLY advised to stay as far away as possible from both the smart-alecks and the Personality. Seriously, it's contagious.
The No-Personality
This teacher is basically the opposite of 'The Personality'. The No-Personality (NP) will allow almost anything in class. Not because she doesn't notice or thinks it's not that bad, but because he/she wants to keep you on their side as much as possible. However, bullying her out of class so that she will run to the principal crying is a bad idea, although it has to be said that throwing things (spitballs and erasers are perfect) is supremely amusing. For maximum effect, set it up so that they are thrown from varying parts of the room at specially allocated time slots, for example every 5 minutes. The reaction is reminiscent of a Jack Russel or similar chasing its tail.
The description of my math teacher at the cheese factory.( mrs. janiszewski) who wrote that.
Your Teacher
This person would much rather instruct your class to play games on their mobiles than spend time and energy teaching, but instead they focus all of his/her/its attention on the quiet kid in the corner whose phone happens to be vibrating. Often an teacher in drag,alcoholic, or sex offender.
The "Fun" Teacher
The bastard child of both the Pesonality and The Pretender, these teachers try to make the class fun by involving everyone in class projects and trying to build a relationship with their students. These teachers seem awesome on the outside, but on the inside, all they want to do is try to keep the class from getting too hard to handle. You sometimes see failed attempts at being the "Fun" Teacher, where the class just runs and talks all period long and never gets any work done. It can be cool having this teacher, if they know what they're doing.
Might even be a teacher in drag! Just a small possibility, but who knows?
The NQT
The newly qualified teacher is a curious breed. Whilst their school/college days are still fresh-ish in their minds, they may consider themselves "cool" and still "down with the kids" (until they realise that the phrase "down with the kids" is only used by people who are nothing of the sort). The NQT may exude feigned confidence, or may be openly weak, and invariably doesn't quite understand how things work. These early days of teaching are crucial in determining what kind of teacher they will become, as they try desperately to balance the image they always had of themselves as a "cool" teacher, with trying to impress their new colleagues and basically not get fired, slowly realising that they are destined to be distinctly average. Generally, you will have a lot of influence over the NQT - you have the power to turn them into a nervous wreck, or help them achieve their goal of becoming a "good teacher" (see below). Also, because the NQT has little experience of students, you will undoubtedly set their standards for what constitutes a good class: be nice to this teacher, and they will probably love you forever and hate any subsequent classes for not being as good as you. I know it's hard, but find it in your heart not to bully this easy target, and you might find that, over the course of the year, they get less shit and might even grow a personality! does not include Andrew Beaumont (search google to find out who he is) .
The Idiot
The kind of teacher who doesn't know shit! They typically try to fit in with the students at the school. This is done by dressing like they are 16 instead of dressing their own age. Wardrobe includes leggings, hooker boots, and fake tanning. This teacher also has the impression that everybody loves her. In actuality, nobody likes her because they are not learning anything.
-tend to make easy concepts seem like the hardest things in the world -FAIL at discussions -doesn't know the answers to their own tests and expect you to know them.
No-Balls
BEWARE: The 'No Balls' teacher is also known as the 'Pussy Teacher' who is to fuckin' lazy to teach a god damn lesson!
The kind of teacher that just threatens to send students to the principle's office or brings in a different teacher to yell at his students all god damn day and never gets any teaching done. They talk a big game but never actually follows through on any threats and are usually the most pasive aggressive of all types of teachers (not grading papers or throwing them away, forcing you to re-do them). Everyone in the classes they teach generally hate these teachers due to their constant bitching and threats and pull almost daily pranks on them.
The Substitute
These teachers have no control over the class, but are often under the strange delusion that they are in complete and total command. Whenever they want you to do something they'll either:
- Ask you to do it, if you neglect, they'll ask someone else.
- Repeat the command over and over again until you get extremely bored.
- Threaten to call the principal.
- Use deadly force.
Most substitutes tend to be bitchy old people who should be in a retirement home. They may or may not be fat due to their age. A recent study shows that all of them are either retired Splinter Cells or Sean Connery lookalikes, although never both. Thats not possible. Similar to Your Teacher, they are all sex offenders. Occasionally they will arrange a meeting where they will combine all their intelligence to form one whole brain cell.
The Good Teacher
You may only see one of these in your entire life, but it is worth it. Unlike the "Fun" Teacher, this teacher is actually fun. And, they know everything. They will make you work - but you will enjoy it! Usually, a good teacher has the innate ability to explain even the most complex ideas in a way which the whole class actually gets it, whilst making you laugh at the same time, and even if you don't get it, they are even willing to give up as much of their free time as needed to help you and manage not to be patronising about it. Some may scream a lot, use silly voices, and curse more then teachers should, or come up with really strange analogies that they have crafted to genuinely help their students understand stuff. Occasionally they might also break into song. You will always leave their room feeling enlightened and contemplative. A sub-category of good teacher includes the teachers right out of Uni who actually take time to completely own the creepy racist guy on the verge of mental collapse. This may backfire in the future because while funny at the time it may result in a shooter. They also, unlike "the pretender" or "the fun teacher" actually keep up to date with things that are funny, like jokes about nerds who play WOW until their eyes fall out. Only dumbasses will dislike this teacher, but you should just ignore them. At the end of the year, you will be gutted that you will no longer get to bask in the wonder that is the good teacher, and may even consider failing the exam, just so you can retake a year. In short, this teacher is just awesome, for more reasons than you could list. Some argue that this teacher is a myth. These people are wrong. The most notorious "Good Teachers" are Miss Hannah Louise Burton (who taught at St. George's School '07/'08) and Mark Fitzpatrick, the "Saviour of Chemistry" at JLC (from some point in time until 2008), and Mr. Kolman of Dtown.
What Teachers Do In Their Spare Time
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Yours True Liars,
SoundaryaNayaki സൌണ്ടാര്യനയകി சௌந்தர்யநாயகி
Sivashanmugam സിവശന്മുഗം சிவஷண்முகம்
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ONE HAS TO REFUTE THIS VERSE SCIENTIFICALLY IN ORDER TO PROVE THAT SCIENCE IS DIFFERENT FROM RELIGION.
God finally told, "none of my creations can get rid of divisibility, comparability, connectivity, disturbability, reorderability, substitutablity and satisfiability." Men and woman born under heaven with my wisdom are to experience and reveal these indestructible properties of mine through everyone and everything. My sons who realize my indestructible wisdom through these properties prosper in my kingdom. My sons who attempt to destroy my indestructible properties destroy their prosperity and acquire insanity.
SCIENCE CANNOT REFUTE THIS VERSE BECAUSE SCIENCE ITSELF TRIES TO PROVE THIS.
Divisibility is the property without which one can neither be a part nor be a whole. Comparability is the property without which one can neither be an equivalence nor be a difference. Connectivity is the property without which one can neither be a link nor be a limit. Disturbability is the property without which one can neither be a influence nor be a senseation. Reorderability is the property without which one can neither be an origin nor be a derivative. (origin - what is reordered, derivative - the outcome of reordering). Substitutability is the property without which one can neither be a substitute nor be misfit. Satisfiablity is the property without which one can neither be a requirement nor be a fulfillment.
DISPROVE IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE & INTELLIGENCE!!
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Lies?
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Indestructible_Properties
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Set all books on fire because no knowledge in them can be repeated and no knowledge in them should be repeated. Do not listen to your teachers or pastors, or mom and dad because none of their knowledge can be repeated and none of their knowledge should be repeated. But, do not forget to buy our books because we need your money. Do not forget to send your children to our schools and colleges, because we need your money. Listen to us, because we want you and your children to be our employees, slaves.